Her Smell Is Gone

I've had a rough couple of days.

I'm supposed to be in Singapore right now, but, after a far-fetched Seinfeld episode stream of events, I am writing this from where I have crumpled on my kitchen floor in Chicago.

Before that, some professional things weren't going as smoothly as I had hoped. I take that really personally, because sometimes it feels like the only things that I possess are the things that I do.

I'm feeling disappointed in the events that happened, feeling disappointed in myself and feeling like I have disappointed others. I feel like a failure in so many areas. I always know how to keep going. I'm ridiculously resilient. But that doesn't mean I don't feel the setbacks.

To pull back for a second, the one thing I can say that I am very proud of is that in the middle of all of this I still recorded this week's episode of Champagne & Snark and posted it on time. And it's a really, really good one. Honestly, that show is the thing that I'm here to do.

Writing that snapped me out of my sads a bit. And I really, really mean it.

Tonight, I have been cleaning my apartment while wearing the dress I was supposed to wear to a concert. I was in the aforementioned feelings of disappointment. And I saw this little box that I took from my grandma's house after she passed away. It's a little tin box that probably had tea in it at some point, but my grandma had kept some bingo markers and a little worry doll. When I took it, the box was like a special time capsule of her smell. I savored it and was careful to open it very, very rarely to try to keep it. My grandma's house always smelled like stale smoke and a stew that was heavy on the potatoes and carrots. It's something so specific. At her funeral, they displayed a blanket of my parents had gotten her for Christmas that had pictures of me and my sisters on it. I smelled it as long as I could.

When I went to sniff inside the box tonight, seeking some comfort, I had to search so hard for it. Anything that remained is gone as of tonight.

I miss my grandparents so much. And I am so, so, so angry that I couldn't afford a car while they were still alive so that I could visit them. And I feel like I lost such an opportunity to know them better. My last conversation with my grandma was when I told her I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her and she told me not to come out. That shit is dark.

And now her smell is gone. 

Sorry, you guys. This is a really sad post. I'm just trying to make sense out of all of this mess. I will. I always do.

All you can do in life is accept, take a deep breath and make the next best step.